Last weekend was full of tears and hopelessness and lots of screaming and stuff like that. There were lots of emotions involved: from utter, unjustified happiness to utter (un)justified desperation. It's weird. It's been long since I last cried like that (almost exactly 11 months XD).
So everything just kinda finally exploded because I wasn't able to find a job. I'm in debt for one month of school fee and I was about to shoot myself (not really, tho) when I started telling myself I had to find a way to settle things out. So...I thought the best thing to do (and that was something I've had in mind for a long, long time...ever since I started school, actually) was to finish my thesis project and then go out to the big bad world and see whatever it has to offer (if it even has anything to offer yet). And so I finished my new research protocol (I changed my study subject but I like this lots more and that kinda makes it easier :B), sent it to my consultant teacher, hoping she would answer back as soon as she could for me to register it at school and apply for a scholarship. I also started saving all I could from the first chapter I already had written and it so happened to fit beautifully, so... I've already 15 pages there XD
She did answer, by the way. And I can't tell how happy I am to have her beside me.
And then D chan (bless her, totally bless her) appeared and I told her all that happened and then she asked whether I was interested in being in a research project she's working at now, for her own consultant teacher, who's a researcher in our University. So, things happened and now I am working there. And I'll be there for the next year or so until I'm done with my thesis project and I'll be able to keep up with Japanese and take Noryoku Shiken and keep up with my singing and dubbing classes and I'll be able to pay for that and I'll still be at the choir. AAAAND I'll also be able to see D chan everyday as we did at the Film Library :')
Even my family are acting different towards me and I feel so calm and so much better...although I'm still struggling to change my old habits to good ones so I can do everything and don't die in the process XDDDD
And all that happened in less than a week. And I cried last night again, but out of sheer dumb happiness and disbelief and things that are finally paying off after such a shitty couple of years. It's the first time in life I've ever cried of happiness. I feel I've taken the right choices in life. Even if they are rather slow...but all's paying off and I'm so happy I didn't choose otherwise...no matter how many people I've left behind u.u There are some I miss...and there are some I feel happy to have left. That sounds horrible, but I think it couldn't've been otherwise u.u
Anyways, things are getting better and I hope they stay that way :') Imma try not to slow down :B
Friday 16 August 2013
Sometimes I feel it's not OK to feel happy now since I'm not doing anything productive of my life .____.
Mum made me think about that. And I feel guilty now =___=
Últimamente me he enamorado mucho de mis fines de semana. Supongo que tiene que ver con que son los únicos días en que realmente hago cosas "productivas" o que veo a mis compañeritos del curso de doblaje (me pregunto si ya podré empezar a llamarlos "amigos". Confieso que les estoy tomando mucho cariño u.u) y ellos me suben mucho el ánimo. Ayer terminamos con el capítulo que dejamos pendiente la semana pasada (uno de Las tres mellizas) y platicamos al respecto. Fue maravilloso porque hicimos un capítulo de media hora en dos clases (lo cual es considerable si nos ponemos a pensar que, de la serie anterior, sólo avanzamos cinco minutos por clase...inche F ¬3¬). La verdad es que, cuando estaba frente al atril, me gustaba mi trabajo...pero cuando lo escuché al final me dí cuenta de que realmente me hace falta más .__. Aaaaaunque...ya me tardo menos en poner lo que tengo que poner XD
Y bueno, tuvimos la oportunidad de hacer voces distintas, entre las niñas (las trillizas), la Bruja Aburrida y Zeila, la gacela (que terminó siendo una reina)... Me divertí mucho haciendo a la bruja. Mis amigos (sí, acabo de decidir que ya lo son) me dicen que me quedaba muy chida. Cuando me escuché grabada ya no me gustó tanto, he de confesar. Con las niñas fue, más que nada, una cuestión de agudizar y endulzar la voz y no me quedaron tan mal. Pero la de Zeila me quedó bonita... Y eso que pensé que no me quedaría bien una voz de princesa o algo así XD
Terminamos la clase y salimos a platicar y shalalá. En eso estaba cuando mi profe salió y me dijo:
—¿Qué haces afuera, Sneaky? ¡Órale, a trabajar!
Yo lo miré y le pregunté:
—¿Qué? ¿Yo? ¿En serio?
—¡Sí! Me hacen falta chicas. ¡Órale! ¡Para adentro!
Me metí a la cabina de nueva cuenta y me encontré con que me tocó el mismo personaje con el que apoyé la vez pasada en máster: una muchacha toda sensualota y mamona .___. Como en cada escena a grabar, primero vemos de qué trata y luego metemos el diálogo. Vi la primera escena... Estuvo leve. Sólo un filtro y una amenaza por teléfono a otra muchacha. Cuando vi la siguiente escena...no pude evitar pensar que se trataba de una película porno de bajo presupuesto por la baja calidad de la imagen. Cuando terminó la escena, mi profesor dijo:
—Como puedes darte cuenta, en la clase de la mañana tenemos material apto para todo público. En la clase de la tarde, tenemos material más subido de tono. Si pongo esto en la mañana, capaz que Va (*una de las chavas más chicas de mi grupo*) se me va de espaldas.
La escena, me explico, era cachondeo lésbico y luego un trío, con un güe :D (Güel, shet) No estaba tan, tan, taaaan fuerte...no tanto, al menos, cuando sólo tienes que ver. Pero cuando tienes que meterle pujidos y gemidos y el resto de la cabina está lleno de puros hombres, bueno...la cosa sí cambia considerablemente .___.
Y pues...hice lo que pude intentando, en la manera de lo posible, no sentirme consciente de mí misma. A final de cuentas, pensé, es un trabajo y la cosa es que se vea que no me espantan cosas como estas, pero... >3> La verdad no creo que haya salido bien... ./////.
A-ny-ways. Fue la segunda y última escena que me pidieron hacer y salí de ahí corriendo :D Antes, el profe me dijo: "¿Estás bien? ¿O ya te quedaste traumada?"
Me reí, nerviosa, y no pude más que contestar:
—No, está bien. Chamba es chamba, señor. Así las cosas...así es el bisne.
Luego salí a platicar con mis amiguis y a reírme de eso...y de otras cosas...y a frustrar los intentos de Ve y de JL de romper su récord de tiempo besándose porque Ve no dejaba de reírse de lo que yo decía.
—Es que no me quiero perder de las Sneakyaventuras... —decía cada vez que dejaba a JL con la lengua al aire.
Fue entonces que me dijeron que debería escribir un libro con mis chocoaventuras y venderlo porque sería gracioso: "Sneakyaventuras, por Sneaky". Ve también dijo que, cuando yo muera (y, aclaró, espera que falte mucho para eso todavía), seguramente las universidades del mundo se disputarán la custodia de mi cerebro para saber qué demonios traigo dentro. Después, Cobito dijo que él se lo robaría antes de que eso pasara y se lo pondría encima del suyo para transferir mis habilidades (aúnmepreguntocuáles) a su cuerpo.
No pude evitar reír e imaginarme a Cobito kun fangirleando por yaoi, por Johnlock, leyendo fanfics en la madrugada y saltando y dando vueltas por todos lados como suelo hacerlo. O recitando Hamlet frente a Bellas Artes como hice yo la otra semana. Sería muy gracioso.
En fin, que fue un sábado muy divertido.
Y hoy fuimos a la Sala Nezahualcóyotl a escuchar a la OFUNAM. Y, no es por nada, pero la música en vivo es lo más hermoso y emocionante de este mundo. De verdad... Durante todo el concierto estuve perdida en los instrumentos, en las expresiones y gestos de los músicos, en la fuerza y la pasión del director y del pianista invitados. Mi favorito fue el Concierto para piano y orquesta en Fa de George Gershwin, el tercer movimiento. Dios mío... ¡Era jazz...combinado con música clásica! Alguna vez escuché que alguien dijo que una mezcla semejante no era posible porque ambos no se llevan. A lo mejor es una cuestión de gustos (a D no le gustó porque pensó que era muy caótico), pero esa pieza me convenció de que es posible mezclar ambos y emocionarse hasta el tuétano. En cuanto llegué a casa y encendí la computadora, busqué el concierto en internet. Lo escuché de nuevo: no se compara, para nada, con la intensidad de la versión en vivo y con la maestría y entrega del director invitado de hoy (Ronald Zollman) pero igual la dejaré por aquí :B
*suspiro* La verdad es que sí, estoy enamorada de esto (.-.) A veces me pregunto si realmente erré mi camino al escoger periodismo como carrera u.u No creo haber errado...pero supongo que jamás tuve el coraje suficiente para dedicarme de lleno al arte .___. Y, aunque sabía que amaba la música...amaba más escribir. Además, ¿quién iba a decir que realmente podía actuar? .___. ¡Desde la secundaria pensé que era una papa para ello! Y después no me preocupé en corroborar si era o no verdad porque actuar, presentarme frente a un público, nunca fue mi idea de "vida" XD
Como sea, de nuevo, estoy a disposición de la corriente XD A ver adónde vamos :D
So, we were watching TV on Monday or something and this guy, an Argentinian or Uruguayan "writer" (idek really), was telling this show's hostesses about a tale he wrote or something like that. And he said something that sounded rather familiar to me...about a tree and a man and a woman and forgiveness and ribbons and shit.
Tonight, I saw a Sherlock gif set made by Sherlockspeare related to this song:
And I confess I just couldn't stop laughing. Originality, anyone? I think it's missing in this area :B Whoops! The only thing that changed was the fact that in his tale they were white ribbons. Here, they are yellow XD
Also, I've been listening to this on repeat lately:
(.-.) But I started with this version:
And all is Bel Canto's fault (.__.) ( | : ) (.--.) ( : | ) (.__.) *creys then tries to sing* *fails miserably but happily*
Lo frustrante de la vida es que, muchas veces, las cosas no salen como esperas que salgan. Y que, a veces, no sabes si eso es bueno o malo.
He escrito y contado hasta el cansancio (de la gente que me escucha) todas las cosas que me han dicho sobre mi trabajo como estudiante de actuación y de doblaje de voz. En todas y cada una de esas ocasiones he hecho evidente mi sorpresa por sus reacciones, por la forma en que se expresan de lo que hago.
Lo más sorprendente de todo es que no sólo se ha limitado a este tipo de cosas. También hablan de mí...de lo que soy, de cómo me comporto, de cómo soy con ellos, de lo que sé, de lo que hablo, de lo que comparto con ellos, mi forma de ser. Y es curioso ver que la gente también se sorprende, se anima, se emociona con eso. O se admira y se motiva.
La semana pasada, durante la celebración del cumpleaños de Lulú, mis compañeros de clase me dijeron cosas:
"Eres muy buena. Diste unos tonos bien chidos hoy."
"¿Quién?"
"Ella. Es muy buena..."
"Ah, sí, ella es muy buena"
"Tú ya vas para máster"
"Ya deberías estar en máster"...
Y luego:
"Es que lo hiciste tan rápido y ya ibas a ritmo y la otra persona era quien se equivocaba. Y tú no lo perdías..."
Y de veras que sí me lo creo. Creo que soy buena, creo que hago un buen trabajo y lo creo porque realmente me esfuerzo por hacer algo que valga la pena y creo que da frutos.
Pero sé que aún tengo que mejorar muchísimo y eso es lo que estoy dispuesta a hacer. Y no me gusta presumir ni sentirme mucho porque realmente todavía no lo soy... Además de que, a veces, se me pasa la mano al momento de presumir u.u
O quizá es que me quedé con esa idea por lo que me dijo D en la secundaria... Que era muy presumida u.u Y sí lo era...creo XD Después de que dijo eso...dejé de serlo u.u Pero supongo que tendré que encontrar un justo medio u.u
Y luego este sábado...que ya casi será el pasado...hice a la Bruja Aburrida de las Tres Mellizas...y fue muy divertido y emocionante (aunque me puse algo nerviosa) y luego empezó la clase de máster y me llamaron para apoyar con un personaje femenino en lo que llegaban las demás chicas de máster. Y creo que no lo hice tan mal >3> Mis compañeritos me vitorearon y me aplaudieron y se emocionaron y yo también. Y me puse rojita .___. XD Y fui muy feliz. Muy, muy feliz porque creo que...sí se nota que realmente me estoy esforzando para hacer un trabajo decente ;^; Las tres líneas que me tocó hacer...las hice entre dos y tres tomas con un solo ensayo. Mi meta ahora es hacerlas en dos o una >''<9
Y luego lo que dicen de mí:
"¿De dónde saliste?"
"Eres todo un caso."
"Eres muy divertida."
"Eres muy linda."
"Aw. No puedo con su carita. Eres como la hermana menor que nunca tuve y nunca quise tener."
"Brillante...modesta...talentosa...genio incomprendido...no entienden tu genialidad...eres genial...me alegras el día..."
"¡No sigas! Esa fuerza... La humedad de mi cuerpo no tiene nada que ver con la lluvia." XD
Es muy curioso. No sé. Antes, cuando recién entré al club, era raro recibir ese tipo de comentarios, pero veía a la gente y a mis amigos reaccionar positivamente a mis chistes y comentarios tontos y me sorprendía que se rieran en verdad porque, en casa y en la secundaria, lo más que arrancaba eran ojos en blanco y medias sonrisas. En la preparatoria era más graciosa porque todas mis amigas eran de mi estilo... En la Universidad no tanto pero, rumbo al final de la carrera, mis imitaciones me colocaban en el gusto de mis amig@s, al igual que en el club.
Y, ahora, en esta nueva escuela... Como que todo se conjuntó y se extrapoló y supongo que es porque practiqué con esas habilidades en lugares aparte y...de alguna forma les di forma y medio las pulí...y ahora están más brillantes que antes. Y con eso de que mi voz, mi cuerpo y mi apariencia están cambiando para mostrar un yo más...yo...creo que me siento un poco más libre de ser yo misma, pero todavía tengo limitaciones de control.
Igual pasa en el canto .___. Dicen que tengo una voz bonita, que mi voz es fácil porque es agradable como sea que cante...pero la cosa es sacarla para entonces pulirla y que sea...uniforme y congruente con el trabajo. No sé. Me encanta mi voz cuando canto, pero me da tanta pena cajetearla que...por eso no la dejo salir bien. Aunque supongo que tendré que hacerlo. Realmente quiero disfrutarlo y hacerlo bien y avanzar rápido porque cantar siempre me ha gustado...y quiero hacerlo bien. No. No quiero hacerlo bien. Quiero ser la mejor. La mejor de las sopranos... Y quiero lograrlo ;^;9
También quería escribir y me deprimí el viernes pasado porque me enteré que el cuento que mandé a concurso no ganó ni una "méndiga" mención honorífica u.u Lloré...porque de lo único de lo que siempre había estado segura en mi vida era de que quería escribir. Y, como ahora no he escrito nada que valga la pena (más que el cuento que envié y el 23 de agosto cumple un año), he perdido un poco la esperanza en eso y me pone muy triste. Pero el lunes pude escribir mucho acerca de Karma. Y me sentí bien y contenta :') Aunque también algo drenada X_x XD Y bueno...no voy a mejorar si no hago el intento, ¿no? Me he puesto a leer de nuevo para recuperar el feeling, tunear mi estilo y sigo tratando de imaginar y de escribir :) Pero ya no quiero escribir sobre relaciones amorosas u.u Quiero hacer algo más... Algo distinto. Soy tan mala en lo demás u.u Con práctica, con práctica... La práctica hace maravillas, espero >3> No quiero dejar de escribir. No quiero dejarlo de lado porque amo escribir y ese fue mi primer acercamiento con las artes u.u Y bueno...siempre me ha gustado la música y así, pero no quiero dejar de escribir ;^;
Lo frustrante de la vida es que, muchas veces, las cosas no salen como esperas que salgan. Y que, a veces, no sabes si eso es bueno o malo. Lo gracioso es que esos cambios siempre terminan llevándote a donde debes estar. Me pregunto si realmente este es mi camino en la vida...porque es algo que jamás me imaginé haciendo: dando la cara .____. Siempre me vi detrás de una computadora, de una oficina, de un nom du plume, de una editorial, del atril, del micrófono...nunca en un escenario. Quizá eso es lo que debo hacer en esta vida: dar la cara por lo que estoy haciendo .___. Y me aterra. Pero si eso ha de ser, entonces será u.u Y estoy dispuesta :)9
My singing teacher told me: "Sneaky, your homework is to look for Kathleen Battle and listen to all the songs you can find sang by her". So I did and I found these:
And then she said: "Oh, look for Mirella Freni too!" I did it and I found these:
The point of this was to find some kind of example for me to follow because my voice is supposed to be more or less like theirs (not exactly, of course. They are two of the best sopranos ever), meaning I could reach the some of their tunes and all that...obviously after being properly trained and so.
So yeah. Motivation... Obviously, I need to work harder orz
Here's my Lara~ :3 I'm happy because I hadn't been able to draw or write about her. And, suddenly, I was able to do so yesterday and today I drew this :3 I'm proud because she looks pretty.
It was a great day, tho XD My dubbing teacher told me I was really good at giving the intention needed to the characters I played and synchronizing my voice with the image on the screen... The only thing I need to do is find other ways to make my voice a lot more versatile. I think it is great. I only need to put a lot into it and I'm sure I'll manage to do something interesting :)
Then, my acting teacher asked me whether I could help his group playing a small character for the next exam (which is due next week .____.). I have no problem doing it, but I suddenly got stupidly stressed, it got hard to see and my head started aching :D
As I came home, when I was about to get down the bus, I couldn't feel my left hand's index and middle finger. And, as I went to the mart to get things for dinner, they kinda reacted but, when I tried to take out the money from my pocket to pay for the stuff I was taking, my ring and pinky fingers went numb and I couldn't move them. I was so scared I almost ran because I didn't wanna pass out or something on my way back.
My head kept pounding like hell and I went to sleep .___. It still aches a tad bit.
I think I should be sleeping a bit more and don't pull unnecessary all-nighters because they seem to be destroying my nervous system little by little .___.
So, yeah. I'm going to school tomorrow again in order to help my teacher with his play. And I haven't memorized those lines yet, even when they're quite easy and short.
But at least I got to know my character :) That makes it easier, I guess :D
Next is my last Japanese week. On May 28th I've my final exam and on June 3rd I have to pick up my grade. I hope to do well u.u I'd love to be able to keep up with it ;^; Because I think I'm not that bad and I need to learn Japanese to be happy in life (yeah, it's a matter of self-compliance and self-satisfaction and happiness. That's why it means so much to me) u.u
I'm not a trekkie, you know it. All I know are generalities. I've never been too much into space stories and all that. And yes, I accept it, my first motivation to watch this was Benedict Cumberbatch as the villain.
Then, as time passed, my friend Al kept me informed about recent trailers and marketing stuff regarding the movie and I found myself being genuinely excited over this. And then she bought the first film because she didn't find where to watch it again (she does like Star Trek, for the record. The series and all) and then lent it to me so I could watch too (I did XD And I enojoyed it much~) and even helped me register to a special free screening last week's Wednesday...to which I didn't attend to because it was way too late at night, too far from home, right in the middle of the week, I still dunno how to drive properly, we had no car and shit happened the whole week, so...yeah.
She did go, tho, and she was really pleased. But, God bless her, she didn't spoil anything :)
Then, on Friday, it finally was opening night and D chan spoiled something and I was like RAEG :V!! and stuff. I couldn't go that very day because it was Mother's Day here and I was expecting to spend it with my mum (she left to check on my grandma and we spent the day cleaning and making dinner and all that .___.#).
So, yeah. Since we're in some kind of economic hardship right now, I didn't want to push it. I confess I did my best, I tried hard...so hard...but FUCK IT! I was so excited to watch it and I wanted to so much that I ended up making up money outta nowhere and, on Saturday, I finally went and watched it on my own (by this time, I was already engaged with Al to watch it on Sunday but, truth be told, I could hardly wait much longer). Obviously, I did go on Sunday as well and I plan to go, at least, a third time to watch it in 4DX
So, here we go. My impressions about it (I think I won't spoil anything...I'll come back here and change this if I get to say something important plot-wise. But I tend to talk more about performances and music and how much I liked it, so...I think there'll be nothing to worry about here. OK, some spoilers might be ahead, but they aren't that big of a deal):
I'm trying to be unbiased here XD
So! We all knew, because of the trailers and such, that this was gonna be packed with action and funny bits and absolutely intense, feelings crushers =w= Well, if you expected that to happen (as I did), you're absolutely in for a treat XD Star Trek: Into Darkness is a rollercoaster. You laugh, you get to the edge of your seat, you cheer for the good guys, of course, and enjoy them being their absolutely AWESOMESAUCE (for instance: Suuuuuluuuuuu as capitain and Cheeeeekovvvvv in engineering and Scottyyyyy in the bar and aboard the USS Vengeance :V). I was so sorry there wasn't that much Uhura (she was kinda pushed in the background as Spock's angry girlfriend u.ú) and McCoy, although he was great as a third of the 'danger-moral' compass (which also featured Scotty and Spock in it) and as some kind of comic relief, which he was from the very first film as well).
One gets to ship Kirk and Spock (OK no or maybe you do. You're free to do so if you wanna. But their friendship! I love their interactions so much: since we start barely where we left them in the first film, their relationship and bond is still trying to grow strong...and strong it gets and it becomes, of course, one of the most important plot strings in the movie. Jesus, I can't talk much about it without getting all emotional, but yeah, you'll get to see, in the end... Their last two scenes together break my heart. Prepare the tissues, everyone), you can't really blame Kirk for doing all and acting the way he does and you feel so touched by all that. And you try to get Spock...and in the end...fuck it! I didn't cry, but I got so immersed in Chris and Zachary's acting that I was happily mindblown =w=
I also got excited because of the way Harrison keeps them all biting their nails because they don't know what he'll do next...and you even find yourself cheering for him (I SWEAR this hasn't got anything to do with he actor playing him. Cross my heart and hope to die). He's a damn bastard, son of a bitch and all the other things they call him throughout the movie...but he's GREAT at it. I was happily impressed by the physicallity of the character and how well it fits with his massive intellect and how perfectly classy and wild and cruel and full of rage and raw he is. But, apart from that, he's also got a certain serenity in him (not calm. He's not calm. He's serene) and he's astute and manipulative and he just won't stop before nothing in order to fulfill his purpose. I don't know. I dunno what else to say. I loved him. I think... Yeah, I think I found myself a new favourite villain .___. *pompomPOOOOM*
I watched it in 3D both times, the second one was IMAX. I must confess I always have conflicts with 3D because I hate wearing two pairs of glasses to watch a freaking movie. I loved it the first time. I didn't like it as much when I watched it on IMAX and I don't really know why .___. That's just my perception. And some of the action scenes were barely visible and sometimes I was like: "Whoawaitwhat?". Although there were others where you could see everything happening and the only reason why you went "whoawaitwhat" was because everything happened in a rush and from different angles. Also the colours are so vibrant and full that they made me wanna puke out rainbows out of sheer happiness XD The sound... Gawd, the sound... Because of all the explosions and action and all that, sound's a bit overwhelming X_x
Now, I must really confess...I'm still struggling with the ending. When I watched it the first time I was like: "Wut?". When I watched it the second time I was so invested in other things that I was like: "Yeah, no prob, mate". But I'm still not entirely convinced. I won't say much about it...but I'm still thinking it was rather...weak. Not the epilogue. The end to all of Harrison's story and all that. Open doors... Keeping them open on purpose... (?)
Also, I remember I listened to a recording of a special live event where they played all the music for this movie and Michael Giacchino, the composer, said he tried to convey all he could about Harrison's character and motivations and personality in one melody because it impressed him way too much. When I listened to it, I tried to do my own description of the character based on what I found in the melody. And, God I'm still thrilled about how much of the character's personality and strength's in that piece of music. I'm still overwhelmed by that. Apart from that specific piece (which is a bonus track u.u), my faves are London Calling, Brigadoom, Buying the Space Farm, The San Fran Hustle and Star Trek Main Theme, of course. London Calling's beautiful! When I first listened to it in the theater I was in awe °((>w<))° It's so...adkjasdaacdasda! And Buying the Space Farm just gives me the feels because it belongs to the next to last scene with Kirk and Spock ;^;
So, all in all, I liked it very, very, truly much. I enjoyed it lots...and I need to watch it again :9
Here, another promo :D
Because one just can't get enough of these beauties ;D
Tuesday 7 May 2013
These kinda things are the ones that make you wonder why the world is such a bad place.
The real world is just so...tough and full of shit and shitty people.
I'm so scared now. I don't even wanna leave my house anymore.
Why is everything so fucked up? Why are people so mean to each other? Why is power on the wrong side? I'm really so scared. I feel so apart from mundane things that I usually love so much...but so raw, so vulnerable...so naked.
Damn it, world! Damn it, everything! I don't wanna leave my house anymore, but I'm also scared they can get in here and...do something.
I really am so scared, so frightened...so disappointed in life and people and the world. Why was I even born here? Everything seems so small...all the other "problems" one has as a human being. This is the real world and it is shit and such a vomitive stench comes off it and it makes you sick. I don't want to be here anymore, really.
So, today was Children's Day in my country and I saw lots of boys and girls dressed up as they pleased and wearing fantasy make up and all that XD
Also, today P sensei asked me: "Rincon san, you said in your presentation that you wanted to become a Japanese sensei some day, didn't you?" And as I asked: "Eh? :D", she told me: "Because you're going to take care of this group next Thursday."
:D
:D
:D!!!
(...whut? .___.)
It ain't that big of a deal. It'd be like...for one hour and sensei's already got all the activities planned for us to do, so...
But still. It's being in charge of a class...in University. Like...being a professor assistant. I never thought I'd be any of that .___. Mostly because I...never stand out in any other class :D
This is weird. So weird .___. XD But I'll do my best. As I said, it can't much of a deal...かな。。。
In other news, I blew an orange balloon inside the classroom as we were listening to the text book's CD and it was silly. I did it because I was looking for something inside my bag and then I came into it because I used it for my singing class (so I could give my notes the support they need. It's an exercise where you have to blow it while you press your cheeks so you have to use the pressure of your diaphragm in order to do it successfully. It is important because, that way, the note doesn't tremble and it sounds a lot more powerful and neat :D) and it was lying there. So I took it up my mouth and I blew into it, pressing my cheeks and it ended up being a round, plastic protuberance of a considerable size.
Sensei lifted her gaze just out of habit and she eyed me. Then she realised what she was seeing and started laughing. I laughed too and shrugged. I released the air and my classmates turned around to look for the source of the unexpected noise and I started laughing under my breath.
Mum told me I used to be like that when I was a kid: I did whatever came to my mind just because I wanted to. She smiled when I told her all this :) I smiled too XD I had almost forgotten my spontaneity and enthusiasm. It's nice to be reminded of it when you feel as lost and as unplugged from whatever-you-used-to-be as much as I've been feeling lately u.u Identity issues u.u XD
Also, my children's day gift was to spend the evening with mum, watching The Hobbit for a second time and eating sweets~ :3
Life's been good. I hope...it stays that way ;^;
Wish me luck next Thursday, pretty please? .___. XD
...because whenever I say things like these at home all I seem to get myself are bitter remarks on: "what-will-you-do-with-your-life? :VV" and I'm kinda sick of it already...
(It ain't as though I ain't trying, but I don't wanna be a fucking journalist and all the betas I try to reach are like...unreachable...or they seem to be that way. Why are you doing this to me, world?! TOT Why can't you make me happy sending me a job I like? u.u Please do so in May ;^;)
Anyways, here's the thing :3 I'm really happy now because:
* My sensei told me I've a pretty voice and that she thinks I can be a seiyuu with no problem XD
* I had a vocabulary workshop and my friends kept showing me off in front of the teachers .___. One was boasting about my English (which, as you know, ain't as good) and the other one was telling them how good I was at kanji in Japanese...and the other one agreed .___. We had lots of fun because we learnt strategies and ways to increase our vocabularies in different languages such as English, Japanese, German and Portuguese :D And it was awesome~ <3
* I didn't have Japanese class today. Instead, we had a kanji workshop in the afternoon XD And it was great because I saw the teacher who helped me in my attempts of studying first level japanese on my own (K san). I thought she wouldn't remember me (not only because it's been like...4 years since I last saw her, but also because I've changed my hair style and stuff), but once, when she had time to, she came near me and whispered: "ひさしぶり" and I was like: "!!! :DDD ひさしぶりですね!" and I was so stupidly happy about her remembering me :')
* Then, when the workshop ended, I stood stupidly near all the senseis (because there were three: one was this one I'm talking about and one of the others was my current sensei) and, as we wen't out the classroom, K san told my sensei that she met me before and my sensei told her I'm a good student and that I tried too hard to keep learning on my own...and K san said the same...and then Y sensei came in too (because she was at the vocabulary workshop yesterday) and agreed with them and I felt so... *insert keyboard smash here* >//////<
* K san and me walked down the stairs together. And she asked me in which level I was...and blahblah...we talked and talked and I told her how happy I was (because I truly, really was) of seeing her again and all...and...she repeated how good she thought I was...and I was so thankful and overwhelmed and happy that I still can't get over it ;^;
So, that's why I'm sharing it here...because I only told people here what happened yesterday...and well... u.u I just wanted to write it somewhere, I guess u.u
Am leaving now because my shita no otouto says my eyes look terrible .___. And I don't really feel that good, physically @_@ XD
I'm so sorry. Really. I know no one reads me but myself, but I'm still sorry. I should be more eager at writing this thing. But there are sometimes I just can't bring myself to do it XD
Anyways: life's been quite nice :3 I'm so obsessed with Sherlock right now and I've already started dubbing classes as in...formally, I guess XD We started practising with a thingie called Rastamouse (about three or four episodes), then an episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and we've started with Friends' finale, part one XD
I don't like Friends that much, if I must be completely and absolutely honest. But practise is practise, I suppose. And it was great fun because today there were only two girls (a younger girl and me) and, since there are many female characters here, we ended up practising lots ^^
But I almost hyperventilated because I was dubbing a pregnant woman's reactions right when she entered labour...so...they had to record me in a different channel because one of the boys kept getting it wrong...and I was starting to feel dizzy when I had to redo the take. My legs failed me when I did the second scene X_x XD I had to do it as fast and best as I could...so I didn't have to repeat it all over and faint there .___. XD But it was interesting XD
Of course, those aren't going to be broadcasted because they're only meant to be used as scholastic material XDDD
As for my singing classes, I finally managed to reach that freaking G that was giving me problems. And I was so absurdly happy over it that I even drew it XD I must say I can't really say how happy it makes me to be able to release my voice (I still have it a little trapped in there, but it's kinda coming out and I must confess...I very much like what I hear :9). I'm also able to sing Snow White's "Someday My Prince Will Come" decently and also "Love Those Beams", which is, I think, a baroque opera or something like that :3
This is my drawing~ XD Yeah, new haircut :3 Kinda love it <3
I'll start singing about two more small baroque opera pieces next Tuesday...and I might finally get the musical comedy song I'll be singing for the concert next...October, November? I dunno.
It's so much fun and I enjoy this so much. It's so amazing to hear sounds you never ever in your life thought would leave your mouth. I'm so happy, so thankful. And, modesty apart, I really do like what I hear coming from me~ :3
Let's see whether I'll be able to overcome my stage fright and manage to sing at the concert at all .___. LOL
As for Japanese...it's ridiculous how happy I am about that. I'm trying my best and it seems as though I'm being able to bring out results to light XD
The only thing I'm worrying about now is...well...money >3>
I need to find myself a job T^T But everytime I send any CV...no one answers back and I start feeling kinda useless here.
I don't want to end up being a journalist because I really don't like that life. It scares me so much. I won't be able to cope with it and I'll be so miserable .___. I sometimes feel my CV ain't appealing enough and that saddens me. I need to look for things that would help me improve there. But how can I when they ask you for experience no one's willing to give? I've been some sort of freelancer there for about two years at school...but I dunno how much that counts and it makes me feel uneasy. I need to be behind a desk...correcting texts, editing things...looking for interesting projects in order to publish them, convince people to do so, looking for fonts, types of papers, inks...colours... *creys in a corner* I want to be an editor as badly as I want to be a voice actress T^T9
And finish my thesis. I also want that. But my tutor's kinda disappeared...and I'm starting to get kinda anxious here.
*sigh* Those are the only turn downs. But I guess that might be because it isn't the time to do those things just yet ;^;
:)
I'm also waiting for Star Trek: Into Darkness because of this:
(I'm being honest here, don't hate me! >3> *runs away*) And also because of all the explosions, sci-fi, spaceships blowing up in the middle of the sky, derranged chaos and destruction taking over our planet and neverending action package it promises to be :9 (Have you watched the trailers? Hm-mh!) And also because Harrison san seems to have an epic one-on-one battle with Spock san coughcoughoverKirkcoughwut...and it'll certainly be worth seeing XD
Less than a month now for it :9 °((>w<))° May 10th here~ :9 I'm saving money in order to watch it in IMAX...and THREEEEEEEDEEEEEEEEEEEE :VVV Because I need to see if I get a lot more excited about it that way XD
So, yeah. That's life now :3
Also, April's an important month for birthdays as well~ :3 I already said it but: Happy 20th, Kuro huuuuun~! I love you lots~ :3
Next birthdays'll be coming as the month wanes XD :3
Trolling dragon D:< Sorrow full (yeah, like this), sly, sadic dragon. But, most of all, a transforming one.
XDDD
Lesse what the serpent's got for us now. I just hope it's way better than the last long tailed, mytical animal that came here to remove everything from structure. Because it was just so...ridiculously tough ._____.
Well, not that mu--... No, yes. Tough and full of sadness, thoughts, regret, random and unexpected comebacks and somehow...loneliness...despair...confusion...but then not so much of it and it was just so...perfect and so full of all the people I needed there. And then I was thankful...and happy and felt something was somehow missing, but it made perfect sense because it was most certainly meant to be that way.
I knew it from the start. I'd be lying if I said I didn't.
Well, it was as though everything just fitted into its rightful place in the end. But there's still lots to be done.
And lots of fabulous, beautiful, encouraging things happened. Or they shone their brightest and became a lot more important that they already were.
The dragon rewrote from scratch, I believe. I still need to make some removals...and change some more things. But let's do this thing right. I won't let anything scare me or stop me from doing all the things I want u.ú
This is the Guajiro Dreams Come True Year. And I'm gonna squeeze all the freaking juice out of it. Because I feel I have to. Because I feel I need to and I owe myself some sort of movement.
There are still some things lingering in the air and tension's still hard to cut through. It's a bubble growing larger and larger and larger and getting way too near to an innocent, passing-by needle. I'm scared... Pain scares me. I was so pained this year that I spent most of it sick in the toilet (ahaha...haha...ha >3>). But I so fecking need to get over that and stare straight onto the world's face because I'm so eating it this year.
I'm supposed to be a responsible adult now... And I don't really look much like one ^^; Or so I've been recently and insistently told u.u
I'm so glad this is over... But this new beginning also scares me lots XDDD As much as it makes me feel enthusiastic about it. Let's do this! The Game Is On! >w<9
Thank you, Trolling, Feckin' Dragon, for all the things you gifted me with and also for all the ones you took with you...and all the debris you left me with. I'm going to build something a lot better this time, I promise :') Or, at least, I'll try my best to do it u.u With all my might u.u9 Not only this Serpent Year, because I'd be asking way too much from myself XDD But as much as I can do...I will do. This year taught me so much about myself and the others that...I barely feel as the same person who started writing this blog about a year-and-so ago u.u
This end finished with lots of wonderful beginnings. I want them to continue...and become a reality of happiness and accomplishment in my life u.u It's up to me to do it u.u
Welcome, Serpent, Snake, whatever. I'm willing to take you on ¬3¬ XD
(This is the uncensored version of the same entry written in my dA journal XD)
So, I was all happy and stuff because of my jap class and because I kinda finally felt I was having a slight push of support from the Hawks...but there was this memory of a certain someone lingering in the air and I didn't like it.
It was awful because I knew what would happen. But I didn't want to be much of a paranoid and I wanted to give myself the chance to stop thinking...
But in the end I couldn't stop myself and it fecking happened.
I knew you were going to DM me or something yesterday. And you fecking did. It wasn't a long or meaningful conversation (actually, it was quite plain and dull ._____. So weird) because I didn't answer anything important and it wasn't recorded either because, as soon as we finished talking, I deleted all messages and e-mails Twitter sent to me. "I felt the need to know about you"... And then I came to the point where I asked myself whether I called you or you called me. I think it's the second. Because I really was coping with this quite fine...until someone (maybe you) started implanting memories of you and stuff inside my head .____. Fecking brainwaves.
I was so happy and you kinda crushed my happy illusion. Now I feel quite annoyed. Eff you. And eff stupid Valentine's Day vibes, because I think that's mostly why you thought that it'd prolly be a good idea to think of me and contact me. And I utterly dislike that ¬¬
Yeah, I'm pissed because I hate it when these kind of things happen. And also because I still can't forgive you ¬¬ And it hurts so badly still.
Funny thing was...I slept well at night. I say it was funny because, any other time, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from circling that matter in my head and I most certainly wouldn't have been able to sleep at all. But I did ._____. So that means...maybe I'm right at thinking it wasn't me calling you but the other way around.
Anyways, I needed help to cope with this and there were Sherlock and Al.
It's funny how I always obsess madly over some things when I'm feeling down. I must take note of that in case I ever get a partner...because it's sane to be obsessed with things and series...but being obsessed with someone is a whole new deal and it can be harmful u.u (Or so I believe, Iwek). I found two more artists to follow because they draw Sherlock stuff...but not only because of that. I love their drawing styles because...they are so cool XDDD And that makes me think I do wanna learn how to draw and have my own style because I don't wanna be grieving on the fact that I can't draw decently anymore XDD So, that's another resolution for this month XD
In case you wanna check them out, here & here they are :3
Also, I'm reading fanfiction and watching vids and I think that's making me feel better again XD
So, I'm leaving you with a vid I found on Dailymotion related to The Hobbit XDDD It's relevant because of reasons. You might as well see, because it is actually funny XD
I've been renewing my stupid love for YGOTAS...and here's one of my favs...because of reasons XDDD
That's the version fangirls wanted to watch... But it was deleted in the end... Still, it is quite funny XDDD "In that case, Marik, if we win this duel, let us make sweet hatred together. Just you and me. Hating each other. All. Night. Long." XDDDDD
Ehehehehe~
Oh, and today's Shinji's birthday, SID's guitar. Aki's was on Sunday, SID's bass. I love them both. SID'll be releasing a new single on April :3 I'm way too excited for that one! They did such a good job with M&W... I hope they keep it that way :3
Aaaaaand...tomorrow's Tom Hiddleston's birthday ;v; God bless his beautiful soul because he's so sweet and amazing and I love him much :3
I know I said I was updating last Friday... But nothing much happened until now XD
First, I must say I do enjoy my Japanese class. It's pretty amazing! °((>w<))° I thought I was going to be way behind all those who had taken first level last semester with that teacher...but I'm pretty much fine XD But I sometimes get the impression some of my classmates think I know way more than I actually do u.u
I'm really happy, tho :DD Even when I get something wrong, I don't feel bad and just feel the will to keep learning to be better at it :3 It's been long since I last felt this way towards something related to school u.u
Second, I'm taking singing classes. And I feel so happy~ <3 But my teacher told me my voice is absolutely light and sweetens as it goes higher...which, immediately, made me think of a Disney princess or something. And it was something like that, actually...because she gave me the score of Someday My Prince Will Come of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. I feel animals will come to me as soon as I open my mouth and start singing XD
There's this high-pitched note I dunno if I'll be able to hold... .______. I'll also be singing some barroque operas :D I'm slightly scared :D But quite excited too! °((>w<))°
And third...I've declared this year'll be the Guajiro Dreams Year :DDD Where I'll be making them come true :DDD I'm gonna do my best about it :3
Anyway, that's all I had to say =w=
Bonus:
Can you please explain me how are you so damn attractive? >/////< Damn, mister! >''<
Yeah, that means I like him much already >//3//>
And this XDD
I have a mighty need for this thing now XDDD Kid!Loki with his Stark Phone XDDDD
I'm starting Japanese classes tomorrow. It's weird because it's gonna be so different. And it's the only thing I'm gonna do. I'm sorta scared, y'know? It's been quite long since I last had a language class .____. I hope I still have the flavour. Might post my first week experience by Friday or something. I dunno. I feel old because I'm certain most of my classmates will be younger people and I don't tend to get along them...or with many people of my age, actually .____. (There are happy exceptions of course u.ub) Oh, the youth! .____.
I spent the night at my amore's house. I wanted to leave before night came, but I failed epically, so... No XD And we talked and LOL'd and were quite happy. I dunno . I felt somehow free. I feel like that every time I am with him. It's as though I can totally be myself when he's around. That's the magic of my Orion's belt *le sigh* I love them so much~ <3 I'm really, truly pleased :3
We watched Big Time Rush together and he was laughing way too much with me XD
In other news:
I'm kinda...not nostalgic. I dunno how I am. I don't feel down, but I've been kinda bringing back memories and stuff...but I won't do anything about it. I think it's OK to remember things and feel pleased or sweetly moved about them and just let them rush through you and leave. I feel I'm in some kind of pause again, but memories are surrounding me and I see them and smile at them, but I don't feel I miss that person per se. I just feel I miss our friendship...but not that person...as in...I wouldn't want to see them because it'd be quite awkward. Is it weird? XD
Anyways, bonus:
This mini song!comic by Reapersun @ tumblr. I loved that song ;^; So many feels T_T And the comic art's just gorgeous u.u Sherlock related, so... But I think you may get it anyways u.u
The game is so on right now. It's in times like these when you realise how much of an adult you're supposed to be already u.u
What I do know about that is this: I'm so not one and I don't think I'm ready to do whatever I am supposed to do or what's expected of me as an adult...but I'll surely do my best. And, since people say I'm good at acting, I'm going to act as though I know what I'm doing, as Neil Gaiman said, and I'll make good art of my life :)
In other news, yesterday was the first anniversary of my grandpa's death. There are moments when his memory seems to linger in the air. Last week I dreamt of him...and he was crying. But mum and my youngest brother say they dreamt of him too and he was nice and happy. I dunno. Maybe my unconscious is pushing my angst to conciousness and picturing it with him ^^;
It's midJan and I never even wished you a merry xmas ._____.
Merry Xmas and happy New Year! D: XD
I'm so bad at keeping blogs D: I sure am u.u Oh gee. I wanted to make a Sherlock and an OUAT review so badly...but I've been sorta tired. And I don't even know why .___. Maybe it's because I've been sorta depressed. And I don't even know why... Well, actually I do know why is that XDD
Last December I finished my college studies. I still need to write my thesis and I don't want to do it. Why? Because it takes way too much time and you usually are wrong in whatever you write and have to write it again. I hate that. But I also think that I should prolly have it done soon if I don't want to have that damn boulder on my back later on my life u.u
Why can't my school be as private universities here where you graduate just by sitting in their classrooms for four and a half years? This is so shitty u.ú (Here, public universities are said to be better than private ones u.u)
Also...I'm scared. Because writing a thesis is such a responsibility. And I don't think I'm ready to be responsible of whatever comes out of my head...and gets captured in paper sheets. I know I do feel responsible of my fanfics and the original stories I write and publish on my dA account...but it's not quite the same thing because this is formal and it's important in an academic level u.u I don't wanna screw it up. But I also don't want to make something big of it because I just want the damn paper that says I'm a college graduate =____=
And then comes my ego and tells me I should do something amazing...just to feel frustrated about not getting a honourable mention because of my crappy and mediocre school marks u.ú Mind you, it ain't because I'm stupid... Or maybe it is, because I wanted to learn even if it meant to have awful marks...and when I didn't learn a thing, I didn't even bother doing my best because the teacher and the subject didn't motivate me enough u.u
So, I think that, in short, I'm prolly scared of growing up but I don't wanna stick there for too long because I'm done already and I need to finish it right u.u
That's for one.
Then...ever since the world ended (for me it did...exactly two months before it was predicted to end), I've had this urge to leave everything I know behind me. Everything I was, everything I wanted to do...ALL of it. I've been trying hard to change. Of course it isn't easy. And I've also been trying to put an end to certain things I've been carrying on my back since High School. I've been changing my hair (now it is multicoloured XD), my dress style...even the way I walk. I'm not betraying myself, I'm just trying to polish the one I am in order to be who I am truly supposed to be and embrace that being. I'm trying to be fair and patient with myself and I'm trying to forgive myself for stupid things that I've done even though I knew I would hurt myself. It's hard. It's harder than I thought to reconcile with oneself. I always tend to expect so much of my person and I always end up disappointing me...but lately I've found I'm really able to do things I didn't know I could do and that makes me feel really positive and happy and even satisfied. But it's never good enough for me...and that's where I think I need to be more patient.
I finally ended something I was stuck with for about four, five years or something. And I felt great, because it had a happy ending. And that gave me a wonderful lesson about patience and love and calmness. I won't rush anything anymore. I won't rush myself to heal because that's not the answer or the way it is supposed to be. I think it's important to let time through and lick the wounds and heal the bruises because everything will fall into place when it has to. I'm way too impatient, I know. But I've to learn everything happens for a reason and I might have to find my way into this new world on my own...and then take care of this paused thing. And everything will be wonderful afterwards and it'll be a happy ending. Whatever happens. I'm sure of that :)
See? I'm depressed but I'm also quite positive about my immediate and far future XD *le sigh* =w=
In other news:
* My youngest brother's been quite supportive lately and I'm so thankful and happy for that.
* I'm finally taking japanese classes :9 I'll start in two weeks time :3
* I wanted to take russian too, but my school wouldn't let me ¬3¬
* I'm getting away from Twitter for three weeks or something more XD
* I've rediscovered my love for Kokia and I finally uploaded Karma's second chapter (almost a year after I posted the first one XD #fail). I should be planning the third one already .____. XD
* My acting teacher keeps telling me how much he enjoys my work and I'm happy about that :3 I just hope I can make a career outta that because I'd seriously love that. Dubbing, I mean. Even singing.
* My mom's offering to pay my singing classes u.u So...I might just as well start with that this year, I dunno.
* The lady at Vocational Orientation at school told me my curriculum was quite nice and that she might have something for me to start my professional practices.
* I'm buying myself some new clothes to match my new coloured hair XDDD
Aaaaaand...I dunno what else ._____. But life's been quite nice this last week :3 I hope the whole year is like this ^^; Last was absolute crap .____. (Not all of it...but there were powerful things that took me off my centre and off balance ;^; I hope to fix that this year u.u)
No pic today because I dunno what to put here .____. XD Well, I do know but it's embarrassing, so no XD
