I never know anything .____.

It's midJan and I never even wished you a merry xmas ._____.

Merry Xmas and happy New Year! D: XD

I'm so bad at keeping blogs D: I sure am u.u Oh gee. I wanted to make a Sherlock and an OUAT review so badly...but I've been sorta tired. And I don't even know why .___. Maybe it's because I've been sorta depressed. And I don't even know why... Well, actually I do know why is that XDD

Last December I finished my college studies. I still need to write my thesis and I don't want to do it. Why? Because it takes way too much time and you usually are wrong in whatever you write and have to write it again. I hate that. But I also think that I should prolly have it done soon if I don't want to have that damn boulder on my back later on my life u.u

Why can't my school be as private universities here where you graduate just by sitting in their classrooms for four and a half years? This is so shitty u.ú (Here, public universities are said to be better than private ones u.u)

Also...I'm scared. Because writing a thesis is such a responsibility. And I don't think I'm ready to be responsible of whatever comes out of my head...and gets captured in paper sheets. I know I do feel responsible of my fanfics and the original stories I write and publish on my dA account...but it's not quite the same thing because this is formal and it's important in an academic level u.u I don't wanna screw it up. But I also don't want to make something big of it because I just want the damn paper that says I'm a college graduate =____=

And then comes my ego and tells me I should do something amazing...just to feel frustrated about not getting a honourable mention because of my crappy and mediocre school marks u.ú Mind you, it ain't because I'm stupid... Or maybe it is, because I wanted to learn even if it meant to have awful marks...and when I didn't learn a thing, I didn't even bother doing my best because the teacher and the subject didn't motivate me enough u.u

So, I think that, in short, I'm prolly scared of growing up but I don't wanna stick there for too long because I'm done already and I need to finish it right u.u

That's for one.

Then...ever since the world ended (for me it did...exactly two months before it was predicted to end), I've had this urge to leave everything I know behind me. Everything I was, everything I wanted to do...ALL of it. I've been trying hard to change. Of course it isn't easy. And I've also been trying to put an end to certain things I've been carrying on my back since High School. I've been changing my hair (now it is multicoloured XD), my dress style...even the way I walk. I'm not betraying myself, I'm just trying to polish the one I am in order to be who I am truly supposed to be and embrace that being. I'm trying to be fair and patient with myself and I'm trying to forgive myself for stupid things that I've done even though I knew I would hurt myself. It's hard. It's harder than I thought to reconcile with oneself. I always tend to expect so much of my person and I always end up disappointing me...but lately I've found I'm really able to do things I didn't know I could do and that makes me feel really positive and happy and even satisfied. But it's never good enough for me...and that's where I think I need to be more patient.

I finally ended something I was stuck with for about four, five years or something. And I felt great, because it had a happy ending. And that gave me a wonderful lesson about patience and love and calmness. I won't rush anything anymore. I won't rush myself to heal because that's not the answer or the way it is supposed to be. I think it's important to let time through and lick the wounds and heal the bruises because everything will fall into place when it has to. I'm way too impatient, I know. But I've to learn everything happens for a reason and I might have to find my way into this new world on my own...and then take care of this paused thing. And everything will be wonderful afterwards and it'll be a happy ending. Whatever happens. I'm sure of that :)

See? I'm depressed but I'm also quite positive about my immediate and far future XD *le sigh* =w=

In other news:

* My youngest brother's been quite supportive lately and I'm so thankful and happy for that.

* I'm finally taking japanese classes :9 I'll start in two weeks time :3

* I wanted to take russian too, but my school wouldn't let me ¬3¬

* I'm getting away from Twitter for three weeks or something more XD

* I've rediscovered my love for Kokia and I finally uploaded Karma's second chapter (almost a year after I posted the first one XD #fail). I should be planning the third one already .____. XD

* My acting teacher keeps telling me how much he enjoys my work and I'm happy about that :3 I just hope I can make a career outta that because I'd seriously love that. Dubbing,  I mean. Even singing.

* My mom's offering to pay my singing classes u.u So...I might just as well start with that this year, I dunno.

* The lady at Vocational Orientation at school told me my curriculum was quite nice and that she might have something for me to start my professional practices.

* I'm buying myself some new clothes to match my new coloured hair XDDD

Aaaaaand...I dunno what else ._____. But life's been quite nice this last week :3 I hope the whole year is like this ^^; Last was absolute crap .____. (Not all of it...but there were powerful things that took me off my centre and off balance ;^; I hope to fix that this year u.u)

No pic today because I dunno what to put here .____. XD Well, I do know but it's embarrassing, so no XD

Two sides of the same coin...

I woke up today feeling slightly satisfied. I finally managed to write something, after a long, long long fruitless vacational period. Fruitless because... I didn't write much this summer. And all I tried to write was plain and, frankly, boring.

The thing I wrote yesterday was something I've been planning to do for about a year. I found enough inspiration to write about it on Saturday and I managed to complete it last night. I was happy with it. It's a stupid piece, but I enjoyed writing it very much and I finally could get rid of all those writing canons school's been pushing into Tú's bedroom.

And then, my dad came.

He went out his room and came to the kitchen, were I was fetching myself something to eat before  taking a shower and going to SS. Then, he asked me: "You're...you're pretty good at correcting texts, aren't you?"

I shrugged and nodded, absentmindedly.

"I guess... I dunno. I do enjoy it very much, tho."

He went on:

"Yeah. You've got a thing for it. May I read something to you? Some stuff I've been writing about... You know I'm not much of a literate, but..."

"Sure. Why not?" I've been correcting my father's texts for some time now. So, he brought his PC to the dinning room and, as I ate my cookies and drank my milk, he read to me.

After that, he said: "I've a question for you. I hope you can answer it to me. I don't want to bother you, I've just been wondering..."

"Why did you stop writing?"

His question didn't make me frown. He asked me that before, on summer vacations. And I answered the same way I did back then:

"As I told you before...I don't find any inspiration anymore. I don't have good ideas... I just finished writing a short tale last night and I was really happy about it... But that's been it. I don't think I have good ideas", I repeated.

"Just that?" He insisted. I nodded. "Well, if it's just that, then you should probably try a little harder..."

And he started giving me tips and advice about what to do to keep writing. He even told me I could write about gay relationships (If only he knew...)! XD But he clearly stated that I couldn't stop doing it. 

The way we talked and all made me feel deeply touched and happy. When I was eleven and I told him I wanted to be a writer, he told me it wasn't an easy path to follow, that I had to be really good at it if I really wanted to be noticed and that I shouldn't have my hopes too high for that. I cried a couple of times because those words really hurt me. They were my dad's, of course they did so. That's also why I didn't want to study Literature in the first place (I CRAVED to be in that school), because I had been told that wouldn't pay the bills and all that.

And he was right, somehow. I chose Communication, Journalism, and I'm quite pleased with it. I look back and I see what people do at Literature...and I must say I pass >3> And, still, I'm learning how to write.

Most of the time, he tends to laugh at whatever I wanna do and tries to discourage me. And when I say he tries, I mean he REALLY TRIES. HARD. Because he doesn't like what I like. And, in the end, he's always there, coaching me, rooting for me. Even if he doesn't agree, even if he doesn't like what I want for myself, even if he thinks it is stupid, a waste of time, a childish caprice or something that will just get me distracted and away from the goal (which I still dunno what is XD), he ends up backing me up, no matter what. It happened with English, writing, proofreading, and Japanese. Now, he supports me with all those.

That's why that conversation was touching for me and it made me indescribably happy. After that, he waited for me to get ready and we walked together to the avenue's bus stop. He had his bike with him and he let me ride it as he held my backpack (which, he said, was really heavy XD) for me. We went on, walking and chatting. It was nice. I felt I came back some years in the past, when he took me to the park and helped me learn how to roller skate, even if he didn't quite know how to do it himself.

It's pretty much the same with writing really. But he isn't that bad at it and he's got good ideas.

When I came back home, I told mum about it. And she said dad was also happy about our little conversation. I almost cried of mere happiness at that.

Also, last Wednesday, as I left for SS, I saw him as he came back home after going to the supermarket. He was inside the car. I didn't know it was him until I stopped, because I saw the car doing so beside me. He stared at me and smiled. It was some sort of incredulous look, but not negatively. It was a mixture of happiness, pride and misbelief. As though he couldn't believe the person walking in that street was his oldest daughter, going on her own, such a grown-up and so...pretty, as he told me afterwards when I asked him about that smile.

I know he says so because he's my dad... But the fact that he thinks so means a lot to me. He's always  complaining about how clumsy and overly-sentimental I am. He's starting to realise I'm a lot more than that... I guess ^^;

Just wanted to say this because it did leave an impression in me u.u

On a side note...

I just showed my younger bro two SID songs: Yuuwaku Collection and Ghost Apartment. He said: "Damn. Japanese and chinese people are way too advanced in music too... These are such mofos! Ö" Which means...he liked them XDDD

When I told them I got the romaji lyrics for Ghost Apartment, he was like "D: I dunno how you can do that D: I can't even understand English lyrics D:"

In case you wondered about my SID tracklist for tonight XD

1. Shougen (from Sentimental Macchiato)

2. Namida no Ondo (from Sentimental Macchiato) 

3. Yuuwaku Collection (from Sentimental Macchiato)

4. Nakidashita Onna to Kyomukan (from Hikari)

5. Hikari (from Hikari)

6. Ito (from M&W)

7. Kara no binsen, sora he no tegami (from RenAi)

8. sleep (from Dead Stock)

9. Ghost Apartment (from M&W)

10. Dress Code (from M&W)

+*~<3~*+