I never know anything .____.

It's midJan and I never even wished you a merry xmas ._____.

Merry Xmas and happy New Year! D: XD

I'm so bad at keeping blogs D: I sure am u.u Oh gee. I wanted to make a Sherlock and an OUAT review so badly...but I've been sorta tired. And I don't even know why .___. Maybe it's because I've been sorta depressed. And I don't even know why... Well, actually I do know why is that XDD

Last December I finished my college studies. I still need to write my thesis and I don't want to do it. Why? Because it takes way too much time and you usually are wrong in whatever you write and have to write it again. I hate that. But I also think that I should prolly have it done soon if I don't want to have that damn boulder on my back later on my life u.u

Why can't my school be as private universities here where you graduate just by sitting in their classrooms for four and a half years? This is so shitty u.ú (Here, public universities are said to be better than private ones u.u)

Also...I'm scared. Because writing a thesis is such a responsibility. And I don't think I'm ready to be responsible of whatever comes out of my head...and gets captured in paper sheets. I know I do feel responsible of my fanfics and the original stories I write and publish on my dA account...but it's not quite the same thing because this is formal and it's important in an academic level u.u I don't wanna screw it up. But I also don't want to make something big of it because I just want the damn paper that says I'm a college graduate =____=

And then comes my ego and tells me I should do something amazing...just to feel frustrated about not getting a honourable mention because of my crappy and mediocre school marks u.ú Mind you, it ain't because I'm stupid... Or maybe it is, because I wanted to learn even if it meant to have awful marks...and when I didn't learn a thing, I didn't even bother doing my best because the teacher and the subject didn't motivate me enough u.u

So, I think that, in short, I'm prolly scared of growing up but I don't wanna stick there for too long because I'm done already and I need to finish it right u.u

That's for one.

Then...ever since the world ended (for me it did...exactly two months before it was predicted to end), I've had this urge to leave everything I know behind me. Everything I was, everything I wanted to do...ALL of it. I've been trying hard to change. Of course it isn't easy. And I've also been trying to put an end to certain things I've been carrying on my back since High School. I've been changing my hair (now it is multicoloured XD), my dress style...even the way I walk. I'm not betraying myself, I'm just trying to polish the one I am in order to be who I am truly supposed to be and embrace that being. I'm trying to be fair and patient with myself and I'm trying to forgive myself for stupid things that I've done even though I knew I would hurt myself. It's hard. It's harder than I thought to reconcile with oneself. I always tend to expect so much of my person and I always end up disappointing me...but lately I've found I'm really able to do things I didn't know I could do and that makes me feel really positive and happy and even satisfied. But it's never good enough for me...and that's where I think I need to be more patient.

I finally ended something I was stuck with for about four, five years or something. And I felt great, because it had a happy ending. And that gave me a wonderful lesson about patience and love and calmness. I won't rush anything anymore. I won't rush myself to heal because that's not the answer or the way it is supposed to be. I think it's important to let time through and lick the wounds and heal the bruises because everything will fall into place when it has to. I'm way too impatient, I know. But I've to learn everything happens for a reason and I might have to find my way into this new world on my own...and then take care of this paused thing. And everything will be wonderful afterwards and it'll be a happy ending. Whatever happens. I'm sure of that :)

See? I'm depressed but I'm also quite positive about my immediate and far future XD *le sigh* =w=

In other news:

* My youngest brother's been quite supportive lately and I'm so thankful and happy for that.

* I'm finally taking japanese classes :9 I'll start in two weeks time :3

* I wanted to take russian too, but my school wouldn't let me ¬3¬

* I'm getting away from Twitter for three weeks or something more XD

* I've rediscovered my love for Kokia and I finally uploaded Karma's second chapter (almost a year after I posted the first one XD #fail). I should be planning the third one already .____. XD

* My acting teacher keeps telling me how much he enjoys my work and I'm happy about that :3 I just hope I can make a career outta that because I'd seriously love that. Dubbing,  I mean. Even singing.

* My mom's offering to pay my singing classes u.u So...I might just as well start with that this year, I dunno.

* The lady at Vocational Orientation at school told me my curriculum was quite nice and that she might have something for me to start my professional practices.

* I'm buying myself some new clothes to match my new coloured hair XDDD

Aaaaaand...I dunno what else ._____. But life's been quite nice this last week :3 I hope the whole year is like this ^^; Last was absolute crap .____. (Not all of it...but there were powerful things that took me off my centre and off balance ;^; I hope to fix that this year u.u)

No pic today because I dunno what to put here .____. XD Well, I do know but it's embarrassing, so no XD